Spirituality or being spiritual has different meaning for everyone but from where I am standing in my spiritual journey, all I understand, spirituality is understanding the concept of spirits and believing in the infinite energy. And what I mean by infinite energy is the source power some call “The Universe” Or “God”.
This might be only my experience but I find myself very lonely even after being surrounded by family and the people who love me for my work I do as a content creator. But in the end I find myself alone. Because I don’t know where I can go to share my grief or just be there silent when I am not okay. Or maybe it’s just me who wants to be left alone. Because as I am writing this I don’t want this blog post to reach anybody, I am just writing to let out the emotions I’ve been fighting for days and months and years. Because I’ve hit the rock-bottom after the recent loss of my Chacha (uncle). I never ever thought about his absence, actually I was never ready for the absence of any elderly in my near family.
The first few days were extremely hard after hearing the heart breaking news. I wanted to stay strong but I couldn’t hold back my tears as all the childhood memories came rushing back. It’s been years since I visited them and now the thought that I’ll never be able to see him ever again hurts the most.
I do understand that he is now resting and probably in a good place, away from stress, tension and at peace. But he is gone and I’ll never be able to talk or ask him how he is doing or spend time listening to all the stories, updates or just all the elders chatting. The emotions are hard to explain but the only words I could think about, is, it feels like losing a pillar from the family home & nothing can replace it.
I feel like I’ve been losing everything for the past couple of years in many different ways. But I always tried to accept everything with grace. And I always tell myself that it’s okay, whenever I find it hard to sleep or I find myself unable to stop crying I imagine holding my childhood-self in my arms and hugging tight, and tell her “it’s okay! You are not alone, you are strong and you can handle everything. I know it’s hurting right now but you’ll be fine and life is an experience so you’ll have to go through all the highs and lows. ”
Sometimes I feel like it would have been easier if sharing my emotions was part of my personality but I find it extremely hard to be vulnerable. I like staying strong and I don’t think I’ll be able to let go even if I tried therapy. Because I feel like my ego kinda gets in the way that I know what I am dealing with because it’s my emotions and I know what I can do to help myself but it’s just, I can’t and I am the only one who can help “me”. Even now, I have so many things going on in my mind but I was only able to talk about the recent loss. Even right now I am contemplating if I should publish this or not. But I know I should because I know that I am not the only one who’s going through a rough time.
I know that the last few years have been tough for many and I want you all to know that you are not alone even if it feels like. You don’t have to feel pressured to let go of grief but you don’t need to hold on to it either, it’s your choice when you feel ready. And healing from grief or letting go of something is not a one day or one moment thing, you’ll have good days & bad days, keep appreciating the good days and keep forgiving the bad ones. But this can be a trying time and reading Geeta might be helpful, I am trying to read some self-help books apart from The Geeta but they are not helping as much because I am not really an avid or consistent reader but I do know that every little step helps. And over the years I came to realize that it helps my emotional state when I write to help others, I don’t know what it is but I feel somewhat at peace when write a piece that could potentially help someone a little. I wrote one such article many days back when I was feeling a little low “How Do We Know The Universe Is Listening?“